When your breathing is rapid and shallow, you don’t get enough oxygen, which can make you feel like it’s difficult to breathe. It can also cause feelings of stress or anxiety. [3] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source Deep breathing on a regular basis can also help you deal with stress, anger, and other strong emotions on a regular basis. Deep breathing exercises can actually help retrain your body’s immediate response to stress and keep it from going into “fight or flight” mode in the first place. [4] X Research source
If you choose to sit or stand, pay attention to your posture, as slouching may limit your ability to inhale deeply. If you can, loosen tight clothing or belts to help you breathe better.
Placing one hand on your chest and the other below your rib cage will help you to become more physically aware of your breath. [5] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source You should feel your belly rise as you inhale.
Holding your breath for a few seconds will also help prevent over-breathing, which may leave you feeling dizzy or light-headed. [6] X Research source
If you are having a hard time exhaling slowly, try pursing your lips, or hissing, for better control. [7] X Research source If you don’t exhale quickly enough to empty your lungs in six seconds, try relaxing your mouth a little.
If you are having difficulty focusing on your breathing, try practicing activities that require controlled exhalation, such as: Blowing up balloons Blowing bubbles with liquid soap Blowing a feather across a room
If others are insistent you not leave, explain that you need time to process your feelings and plan to share those with them soon. Walking away without an explanation may lead some to be concerned or offended. It’s best to be polite and communicative to prevent confounding the problem.
With practice, you will become more adept at diverting attention away from stressors and focusing on enjoyable distractions.
Regular exercise may also help you to cope more effectively with stress and anxiety over time. [13] X Research source Almost any exercise works to help fight stress, although aerobic exercise is particularly good for your heart. [14] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source
Looking at images of kittens or puppies (or your favorite baby animal) on your computer or smartphone may help. Scientists have found that cute baby animals trigger a protective instinct in us that makes us feel happy. Just be aware: this protective instinct can also make you feel more aggressive (have you ever wanted to give an adorable puppy a big squeeze?). See if this tactic works for you. [17] X Research source
When you interact with the offending party again, gauge the intensity of your emotions. If you quickly become distraught, take more time to yourself. In some cases, it may take days before you are calm enough to revisit the source of your pain. Sleeping on it for a couple of nights may help, as quality sleep may improve regulation of emotion. [18] X Research source
Don’t try to repress your feelings. Instead, acknowledge them to yourself: “I am feeling angry because my boss said something really hurtful to me. This is a natural response. It isn’t pleasant, but it will pass. " You can also try to acknowledge cognitive distortions, or unhelpful thought habits, to yourself. For example, you might be filtering, or magnifying the negative aspects of an experience to yourself. You could say to yourself, “I am feeling overwhelmed right now because it feels like my boss didn’t notice all of my hard work and just picked on my mistakes. I may not have a full grasp of the situation right now. I can talk to her about it when I feel calmer. " You can also remind yourself that you’re strong and can get through this moment of hurt by saying something like: “This really hurts right now, but I have made it through being hurt before. I am strong and I can remain calm. "
Each person involved will share a different account of events. Sharing with an uninvolved party will ensure your version is told. This will also create the need to clarify some aspects for the listener and, in doing so, will help you to clarify your understanding of the events.
In this safer environment, you will be able to further explore the source of your pain and generate new insight.
Cognitive reappraisal is thinking about a situation differently. Changing the way you think about an event may also change the way you feel about it. [21] X Research source A common cognitive distortion is jumping to conclusions. For example, imagine that you feel angry because someone just cut you off in traffic. Your immediate response might be “What a selfish jerk! He doesn’t care about anyone!” even though you only have that single experience (and only your side of it) as “evidence” for this conclusion. Cognitive reappraisal asks you to consider the other possibilities about this situation. Maybe the driver was having a bad day and not paying as much attention as he usually does. Maybe he truly didn’t see you and would have felt bad about cutting you off if he had. Maybe he was rushing home to take his child to a doctor’s appointment. The point here is not to react as though you know everything about the situation, but to remind yourself that there are many ways of thinking about things. Another common distortion is personalization, or making things about us that aren’t. We may feel hurt when we personalize. For example, you might interpret a teacher’s comment that your daughter is not doing well in school as a personal attack on you as a parent. This could lead to you feeling angry and hurt. Instead, reappraise the situation and ask yourself what you actually know, rather than what you’re assuming. Maybe the teacher’s comment actually reflects her confidence in your parenting skills and she thinks you can help your daughter! Ideally, in these situations it’s good to reserve judgment and clarify with the other person what s/he meant. If you and the listener feel comfortable enough, role playing is a great way to practice responding calmly; this may help you feel more prepared and confident when you next encounter the person who hurt you.
Carry a journal and pen/pencil. We usually aren’t prepared to be emotionally hurt, so having a journal in your backpack or handbag is a good idea. If you don’t like the idea of having a journal, you can write on loose paper and destroy it after you finish. Excuse yourself from the situation. Politely tell others you need to take a moment to process your feelings, and find a quiet place to sit. Write about why the behavior hurt you. Strong reactions to another’s behavior are most often about perceived motivation or emotional representations of the behavior. Writing about why you are hurt by a behavior will help you better understand your emotional reaction and more effectively communicate your feelings to others. [22] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U. S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source For slight grievances, writing your feelings down is often all it takes to release the negative emotions you are experiencing. [23] X Trustworthy Source Michigan State University Extension Extension program of Michigan State University focused on community outreach, education, and engagement Go to source If you find it difficult starting your writing, try creating a table. Draw a vertical line down the center of the paper. List the offensive act on the left side of the page. On the right, explain why that act hurts you. Reflect on the actions you can take to help you feel better. For example, maybe you just want to ignore this person and move on. Or maybe you would feel better if you have a chat with the person after you’ve calmed down. Noting a couple of concrete things you can do to resolve the hurt will help you stop fixating on it, which will help you calm down.
If you feel you may easily lose control of your emotions, it may be best to communicate in writing; this will allow you time to carefully choose your words and edit your responses.
The beginning of the statement should be “I feel. " For example, “I feel hurt when you point out all of my mistakes in front of my coworkers. I feel like you’re saying my work has no value to the team. "
An action you perceive as deeply offensive may also be perceived as benign by another. For example, if you felt hurt because your partner was late to a date, you could remind yourself that lateness is a culturally defined thing. For example, someone from an Italian cultural upbringing may not see being 10 minutes late to an agreed time as actually being not punctual, where someone from a German cultural upbringing may see even arriving right on time as being “late. “[26] X Research source
Journaling and/or talking with others may help you discover why you were hurt by the action, as it may not be immediately evident.
Try phrasing this as a need to be heard.
Explore all possible behavioral responses to identify the options that best benefit all parties. This discussion needs to involve coping strategies and plans for future communication on your part to be effective. You are ultimately responsible for your emotions, so you must also modify your behavior.
