Don’t try to rush in and force a relationship. Simply say, “I have no interest in replacing your mom/dad, but I do want us to have a close relationship. You can think of me as an aunt/uncle or an adult friend. How does that sound?” If they show no interest in getting close to you, back off for a while. They may need time to accept the relationship.
Once you get them talking be sure to make occasional eye contact and engage in the conversation to show you’re listening. Ask open-ended questions that keep the conversation going, like “So, what got you interested in that?”
For instance, if they like baseball, throw a ball around in the backyard. If you like woodworking, give them a crash course and teach them to make something.
If they are on the floor playing with Legos, physically get down there and join them! Don’t insist on face-to-face conversations if they’re a bit shy. Try interacting with them while playing a video game or watching a movie – whatever they prefer.
You might say, “So, what would you like to call me, Peter? Let’s think of a name we both like. ”
You might say, “Let’s start by getting to know one another. Is there anything you’d like to know about me?” Even if they don’t have any questions upfront, say something like, “My door is always open if you have questions or want to talk. Okay?”
Do they back away if you put a hand on their shoulder? If not, then they’re probably cool with it. You might also ask them how they feel about affection. Something like, “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” should help you figure out their stance on the matter.
This doesn’t mean you won’t have a voice— just let your spouse be the one who verbalizes any punishments. If they want to involve you in the decision-making, have that talk away from the kids.
Don’t speak negatively about the child’s parent in front of the child. If they have a story to share about their other parent, listen and respond positively.
Your relationship with your stepchild may never be “ideal. ” Still, by allowing things to naturally develop without forcing them, you’ll have a much better chance of building a lasting bond.
By giving stepchildren the same rules and expectations, they actually become a part of the family instead of feeling like outsiders whenever they visit. If they are living there full-time, both you and your spouse should sit down with them and discuss the rules and expectations for your household.
This shows that you respect the pre-existing relationship and allows them to nurture the bond they share with their parent.
For example, everyone might share some part of their day during dinnertime. Communication during chores or hobbies helps you get to know each other without the pressure of a face-to-face talk. If the child is resistant to communicating with you, try using personal stories to tell them more about you. They may come around once they know you better.
You might help them feel more included by asking what paint color they’d like in a bedroom or taking them shopping for decor. Also, give them some freedom to express themselves, such as hanging a sign reading “Daisy’s Room" to claim their space.
