Try taking stock of your body’s reactions, but don’t judge them. For example, if you’re feeling anxious all of a sudden, think about what your body is feeling. “My skin feels hot. My heart is beating really fast. I am breathing shallowly. My hands feel shaky. ” Don’t focus on these feelings. Just notice them and then let them pass. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Refocusing on your present moment may also help you reduce “automatic reactivity. ” Your brain forms habits of reacting to stimuli, including emotional experiences. The brain instantly activates these patterns whenever that stimulus, such as anxiety or anger, occurs. Shifting your focus back to your present sensory experience breaks that circuit in your brain. If you practice this shifting consistently, it will become a new “habit” for your brain. [5] X Research source “Self-observation,” the practice of paying attention to your own mind’s awareness and experience, can help you tease out the multiple things that may be happening within a single experience. For example, many people are unaware that “awareness” actually consists of many information paths. Often, we experience an emotional reaction as a jumble of feelings and sensory experiences that can feel overwhelming. Slowing down and refocusing on some experience in the present, such as what you’re seeing, hearing, and smelling, can help you restructure your brain’s old habits and learn to see these different “information streams. ”[6] X Research source
Breathe from your abdomen, not your chest. You should feel the lower part of your belly expand when you inhale and fall as you exhale. [10] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source To help you, place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Stand upright, lie flat, or sit straight to keep your chest open. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose. Feel your lungs and abdomen expand as you breathe in. Then, exhale through your nose or mouth. Aim for 6-10 deep breaths per minute. [11] X Research source Focus on taking slow, deep breaths. This will provide oxygen to your body (and help distract you from your current emotional state). [12] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source
Smiling can also decrease stress. Try to smile using all your facial muscles, not just the ones around your mouth. Smiles that spread across your face and up to your eyes feel more natural, which increases your body’s feeling of positivity. [14] X Research source
Begin by choosing your “safe place. ” This can be any place you can imagine that you find relaxing and peaceful. It could be a beach, a spa, a mountaintop, or any place you think will help you feel safe and relaxed. Find a place to practice visualization. If you can, find a quiet, comfortable place to use your visualization. It should be a place where you will not be interrupted for a few minutes. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your safe place. Imagine what it looks like. What is going on there? What does it smell like? What sounds do you hear? Try to immerse yourself in your safe place. Breathe slowly and evenly. Try to relax muscles if you feel they’re tense. If you feel awkward or anxious, don’t judge yourself for that. Just try to imagine yourself in your calming place and what it feels like to relax. Imagine your negative emotion as a physical object. You may feel strange trying this at first, but keep with it. Imagine that negative feeling as something that you can remove from your visualized safe place. For example, you might imagine that your anger is a flame. Flames can’t burn without oxygen. Imagine that anger as a flame and watch it as it sputters out. Or, you could imagine a feeling of stress as a stick. You can throw that stick far away from your safe beach and imagine that stress leaving you as it goes.
For example, imagine that you call your romantic partner and s/he doesn’t answer the phone. You call back in a few minutes and get voicemail again. A catastrophizing thought might start snowballing: “S/he isn’t answering the phone. S/he’s probably mad at me. I don’t even know what I did wrong. S/he isn’t telling me what I did wrong. S/he doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe s/he is bored with me. ” Challenge catastrophizing thoughts by not letting your mind jump from one thought to the next until you’ve examined the evidence for your assumption. For example, in this example, a good challenge could look like this: “My partner isn’t answering the phone. S/he wasn’t mad at me earlier today, so s/he probably isn’t mad at me now. If s/he is, I can ask her/him about it later and talk things through. ” You could also remind yourself that people have many logical reasons for not answering the phone at any particular moment: being occupied, driving, not seeing/hearing the phone, etc.
For example, imagine that you are not offered a job after having an interview. A generalizing view of this could be something like, “I’m such a loser. I really screwed up that interview. I’m never going to get a job. ” Challenge overgeneralizing thoughts by sticking to the evidence and specifics. You have no evidence to suggest you’re a “loser. ” The usual reasons for not getting a job are that your skills aren’t the right match for the company, or your personality might not mesh with others there. Maybe you did botch the interview, maybe you didn’t. This specific incident, however, does not apply to every facet of you as a person. Think about the situation as specifically as possible, and focus on what you can do to change the specifics in the future: “I don’t think I did a great job at that interview. I was really nervous. Next time, I will practice with a friend before I go in for an interview. ”
For example, consider that you are on a diet. You go out for lunch with a friend, and you end up having a piece of cake for dessert. An all-or-nothing response would see this as a failure, and could lead to harsh judgments of yourself: “I totally blew my diet with this cake. I knew I couldn’t handle this new plan. I guess I should just eat anything I want. ” Challenge all-or-nothing thinking by treating yourself compassionately. Would you harshly judge a friend for eating a slice of cake? Unlikely. So why would you do that to yourself? Avoid looking success as either/or, where everything has to go perfectly to achieve success. Try looking at success as and, an ongoing process of growth and change: “I ate that piece of cake, which won’t help me with my diet goals, and this isn’t a catastrophe. I’ll eat a healthy dinner to get myself back on track. ”
Without vulnerability, it is hard to be open to experiences that have a fundamental element of uncertainty to them, such as love, trust, creativity. [19] X Research source Try to reject perfectionism. Perfectionism is often confused with healthy ambition or a desire for excellence. In reality, perfectionism often comes from a fear of vulnerability, the desire to “be perfect” so that we don’t experience loss or fear. Perfectionism holds you to an impossible standard and demands that you get others’ praise. Vulnerability will allow you to strive for success and achievement while understanding that setbacks happen. [20] X Research source
Look for beliefs that use words such as always or never. Most situations in life are somewhere on a scale. Maintaining core beliefs that rely on all-or-nothing thinking can keep you stuck trying to live up to an impossible standard. For example, consider how you believe about responsibility. Do you believe you are responsible for your actions and behavior? That’s healthy and helpful. Do you also believe you are responsible for others’ actions and behavior? It’s common to believe that we have the responsibility to manage the experiences and behavior of everyone around us as well as our own, but that’s actually a fallacy.
For example, if you are considering going on a diet because you “should” lose weight, think about why you “should” do that. Is it because you have a particular health goal in mind? Has your doctor talked with you about your weight? Do you want to look a certain way? Or do you feel this “should” because you feel pressured by others to look or behave a certain way? Society often pressures individuals with many “shoulds” that we may feel we need to conform to: You should look like the people in magazines. You should wear a certain clothes size. You should have a lot of/no sex. You should be happy. You should be a “good” partner/parent/sibling/student/employee/employer. Giving in to that pressure from others, rather than doing things for ourselves because they align with our values, can leave us feeling emotionally wiped out.
Emotional strength comes from extending to ourselves the same understanding that we would to a friend. After all, if a close friend made a mistake, you would probably acknowledge the wrongdoing but still respond with forgiveness and love. Try doing this for yourself, too.
For example, it can be easy to lapse into negative self-talk that isolates you and your experience from others, e. g. , “Nobody could ever be interested in me because I’m such a failure. " This language unfairly totalizes: you are not “a failure” simply because you may fail at something. It also does not acknowledge that everyone fails from time to time. It holds you to a higher standard than anyone else, which isn’t fair to you (or them). [27] X Research source Instead, try reframing this self-talk. “I did not accomplish such-and-such a goal when I had planned to. Everyone has setbacks from time to time, including me. "
For example, if you frequently experience the thought, “I’m so unattractive, nobody will ever want to be in a relationship with me,” try reframing it through a mindfulness lens: “I am experiencing the thought that I’m unattractive. This is just one of many thoughts and feelings that I’ll experience today. ” Another good technique is to practice mindfulness meditation. This type of meditation is focused on being “unconditionally present,” i. e. , aware and accepting of what is going on at that moment. It can help alleviate anxiety and can help you be more aware of how you experience yourself. [28] X Research source The UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center offers free guided meditations to download online. [29] X Research source These are organized according to situation – body awareness, sleep preparation, etc. – and run between 3 and 19 minutes. There are also several mobile apps, such as Calm, that provide guided mini-meditations.
Start by imagining a time in the future where you are the “you” that you want to be. Consider what would be the most meaningful developments to you. (It’s important that this is the self you want to be, not one you feel pressured or like you “ought” to be. ) Visualize your best possible self in a positive way. Imagine all the details of the situation. You can think of this as imagining a life dream, a milestone, or other big goal for yourself. For example, if your best possible self is an entrepreneur with her own successful business, imagine what that looks like. How many employees do you have? What type of boss are you? How much do you work? What do you sell or invent? Write down the details of this visualization. Think about what characteristics your best self is using in this imagined scenario. For example, if you are running a business, you will likely need creativity, problem-solving, networking skills, and perseverance. Think about what characteristics you already have. You’ll probably surprise yourself! Then, think about which characteristics need further development. Imagine ways you can build those skills and traits. It’s very important that this does not turn into an exercise in self-judgment. Don’t judge yourself for where you are now! Instead, imagine you are who you wish to be.
“Personalization” is a common cognitive distortion. It happens when you interpret anything that happens to you as a direct, personal response to something about you. This can lead you to feeling that others “have it in” for you. It can also lead you to take responsibility for things you are not responsible for. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you can choose to take it personally and stew over how rude the driver was to you. Or you can interpret it as your fault for “allowing” it to happen. These are both personalizing responses that are unhealthy. A stronger response would be to remember that you are not in control of that driver’s behavior or actions, and you don’t know why s/he did what s/he did. Maybe the driver is having a bad day. Maybe they don’t care about others’ feelings. You did not cause this behavior. Not taking things personally doesn’t mean you can’t feel hurt by what others say. However, refusing to take something personally will help you distance yourself from the immediate negative reaction.
For example, you might say something like, “I accept myself today for who I am” or “I love myself completely. ” If you have particular areas of weakness, such as anxiety or body image issues, try focusing your self-affirmations on those. For example, if you experience frequent anxiety, a helpful self-affirmation might be “I will do the best that I can do today. I cannot do more than my best. I cannot control others’ actions. ” If you experience body image issues, try finding something positive to focus on: “I will be kind to my body today, because I deserve kindness” or “I look happy and healthy today. "
Research has shown that people who regularly practice active gratitude are more resilient in handling trauma. [41] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source It can also help you interpret even the suffering and negative things in life as learning and survival experiences that have contributed to the self you are now. Gratitude can help keep you from judging others. [42] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Gratitude is more than feeling grateful. We often cannot control what feelings appear. Trying to control those feelings can overwhelm us. Instead, gratitude is an active exercise in recognizing and savoring the positive. [43] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Keeping a gratitude journal, learning prayers of gratitude in your spiritual tradition, and stopping to savor a beautiful or positive experience can all help you practice gratitude. [44] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Studies have shown that “loving-kindness” or “compassion” meditation can be a good way to exercise your empathy muscles. [46] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Compassion meditation not only enhances your feelings towards others, it has also been shown to decrease depressive symptoms. [47] X Research source There are many ways to practice compassion meditation, although several methods stem from Buddhist traditions. [48] X Research source Read novels. Fiction can encourage you to imagine what it would be like to experience emotions and situations unlike you own. Some studies suggest that reading novels can increase your ability to empathize with others. [49] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Avoid jumping to conclusions. Studies have shown that when we think about what others “deserve,” we feel less empathy for them. Try not to assume that others “deserve” or are responsible for their suffering. Extend that same compassion to yourself, too. We’re all human. [50] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
“Intolerance of uncertainty” plays a large role in anxiety. When you have a low tolerance for uncertainty, you find it difficult to accept that it is not impossible for something negative to happen. You may ask “What if” questions or overestimate the risks and consequences of a negative situation or event. You may find yourself consumed with worry. Keep a journal throughout the day of times when you feel uncertain or anxious. Write down, as specifically as possible, what triggered these feelings. How did you respond to them?[53] X Research source Rank your uncertainties. Try to place things that make you feel uncomfortable or anxious on a scale from 0-10. For example, “going shopping without a list” might rank as a 2, but “delegating a project to someone else at work” might be an 8 or 9. [54] X Research source Practice tolerating uncertainty. Start safe and small. Learn to manage your fear of uncertainty by exposing yourself to it in safe, manageable situations. For example, if you only ever go to one restaurant because you’re worried you wouldn’t like the food somewhere else, try to pick a new place and eat something you have never tried before. You may or may not enjoy the food. However, you will have shown yourself that you can handle uncertainty and come out okay on the other side. Work up to bigger uncertainties gradually. [55] X Research source Record your responses. When you try out something uncertain, record what happened when you did this. What did you do? How did you feel while you were doing it? How did it turn out? If things didn’t go as planned (and this will happen), how did you respond? Were you able to handle the unexpected outcome?[56] X Research source
Perfectionism can foster ruminating. So can an “excessive relational focus,” where you overvalue your relationships so much that you will do anything to keep them, even when that is costly or unhealthy. [59] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
For example, if you have recently broken up with a romantic partner, it can be easy to focus on everything that went wrong. These thoughts can become exaggerated, to where you might feel like the situation was all your fault. You might rehearse “what if” thoughts. You might feel like you’re a failure and you can’t do anything right. Instead, try to focus on a productive, realistic thought. For example: “My relationship with that person ended. I didn’t want that to happen, but I can form another healthy relationship. I can use all I’ve learned from this one to have a stronger relationship with the next person. ”
For example, if you’re worried that your work isn’t going well, make a list of specific actions you can take to address that situation. Call a friend or someone you trust for help, if you can’t think of anything on your own. As another example, perhaps you are frustrated because your romantic relationships always seem to end up the same way. Think specifically about what traits you look for in a romantic partner. What sorts of people are you attracted to? What do you tend to do in relationships with them? What do they tend to do? Are any of these elements related to how your relationships end up?
Being assertive is very different from being arrogant. Being assertive about your emotions doesn’t mean that you don’t consider others’ feelings. In fact, you respect others’ emotions and needs. You also respect your own emotions and needs. By establishing communication based on mutual respect and openness, you will become a stronger communicator. Arrogant people often base their strength and confidence on external factors, such as how others think of them. This can cause arrogant individuals to prioritize their own feelings over others’. Being assertive means that you know that you have self-worth on your own. You can communicate your feelings openly, honestly, and respectfully because you are not worried how others will judge you. [62] X Research source Use “I”-statements. This will help you own your emotions without “mind-reading” or making others feel blamed. For example, if your partner forgot your birthday, don’t assume that it is because s/he doesn’t care about you and react based on that. Instead, use an “I”-statement to state how you feel: “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. I’d like to talk about what happened. ” Rather than assigning blame and making the other person defensive, you’ve expressed your feelings and invited the other person to share their experience.
For example, if you feel isolated and sad because you tend to be shy and not approach new people, choose to behave differently. You may not “feel like” going out or striking up a conversation at first, but you will become more comfortable with practice. Even more importantly, you will know that you are taking steps to become stronger and healthier.
There are many types of health professionals. Psychiatrists and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners are usually the only ones who prescribe medication. They may also offer counseling. Clinical Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licensed Professional Counselors can all offer counseling services. Many services offer counseling and therapy. Talk with your doctor or insurance company to find someone in your location.
Making yourself too busy to think about the issue Denying that the problem exists Ignoring the problem or refusing to talk about it Using distractions to make you feel better (TV, alcohol, food, gambling, etc. ) Focusing on the worst-case scenario
‘’Circuit-breaking. ’’ This stage often occurs soon after the trauma and is sometimes described as feeling “numb” or “in shock. ” When your body is overloaded, as with traumatic events, your systems shut down. Your brain loses between 50-90% of its peak functioning. [65] X Research source Your other body systems may also shut down, so that you experience sudden symptoms, such as sleeplessness or headaches, that you didn’t have previously. You may also see other symptoms you had subside, such as arthritis and even acne. ‘’Return of feelings. ’’ Once the initial numbness subsides – and that varies dramatically according to each individual – feelings will return. They may gradually return, or they may hit you all at once. You may also experience wild fluctuation between emotional states during this stage, where your feelings vary day-to-day and even moment-to-moment. ‘’Constructive action. ’’ This stage is strongly linked to stage 2, and you will find it difficult to do one without the other. As you become more in touch with your feelings, take actions to restore your sense of power and meaning. For example, if you used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, you might wish to volunteer at the local women’s shelter. Taking actions that are meaningful to you will counteract the sense of helplessness or loss of control that often underlies emotional frailty. ‘’Reintegration. ’’ This stage cannot occur until the first three have been experienced. In this stage, you become in touch with your emotions and values. You learn to practice “value-congruent” living, in which you live according to your core principles (honesty, compassion, assertiveness, etc. ).
Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present in the moment as you discuss a difficult or traumatic event. Using mindfulness techniques can help you regulate your emotions so that you don’t break down. They can keep you from ruminating, or “obsessing” over a particular feeling or emotion. They can also reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms, making it easier for you to process your feelings. [67] X Research source See Method 1 for how to practice mindfulness techniques. Many treatments for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for example, encourage clients to recall trauma in a controlled way to help them process the feelings that trauma may have caused. [68] X Research source While talking with friends or family may be sufficient for some people, others may need to seek professional mental health assistance. There is no shame in this! Counselors and therapists are there to provide support and acceptance so that you can be honest with your feelings.
Focus on activities that you find safe and soothing. Exploring negative emotions in a safe, positive environment will help you process them and recover. [70] X Research source If you are uncomfortable or unsure of how to express your emotions in this way, you may wish to consult a professional expressive arts therapist, at least at first. Many professional counselors and therapists also have some training in this area. [71] X Research source
Seek support from those who accept you just as you are. If you have emotionally scarring things from your past, the last thing you need is to open up and be vulnerable to someone who will judge you. Share with people you trust, who will offer you their unconditional love and support.
What kinds of experiences or events are the most stressful for me? What were my reactions to these experiences? In what ways have I been affected by these experiences? What have I learned about myself and how I interact with others from this experience? Would it be helpful for me to help someone else process a similar experience? How have I overcome obstacles in the past? What can I apply from those actions to future obstacles?
