Start with people you know, or, if you are starting fresh, find a small group of people that you share an interest with. A book club, sports team or hobby group is a great place to start. Try something new with this group such as participating in a bar crawl or arranging a barbecue and let people bring friends.
A little compliment can also go a long way, especially in service situations. Remember that your grocery clerk or barista serves hundreds of people a day, many of whom probably either ignore them or are rude. Say something like, “Wow, thanks for getting that to me so quickly” to show your appreciation.
If the person does not respond, let them go their way. There’s a difference between being “outgoing” and “pushy. " You don’t want to force interaction on someone who isn’t interested. Keep in mind that this approach doesn’t work well in situations where people do not expect to be approached, such as while riding public transit. Part of being outgoing is knowing when and where to approach others and when to keep to yourself.
Look for other “wallflowers. ” You may not be comfortable jumping straight from “shy” to “social butterfly. ” If you’re at a social function, try looking for other people who appear to be shy or holding back. Chances are, they feel as uncomfortable as you do. They’ll probably be happy that you made the first move to say “hello. ” Be friendly, but not pushy. Once you’ve introduced yourself and asked a question or two, move on if the other person seems disinterested.
How do you like that book/magazine? What is your favorite thing to do around here? Where did you find that awesome T-shirt?
I’ve read that book. Great choice! I love those shoes. They go great with that skirt. Is that a hazelnut latte? Nice – that’s my go-to every Monday morning.
If this person is a stranger, you could use the situation to help you come up with something to talk about. For example, if you’re in a bookstore, you could ask someone for a favorite reading recommendation. If you’re both stuck in a long line, you could make a joke about it. Be careful to avoid comments that sound judgmental. For example, you could say you love the person’s haircut and then ask where s/he got it done. Or you could say that you’ve been looking for a pair of sneakers like the ones the other person’s wearing, and ask where s/he got them. Avoid things that are likely to seem offensive, such as comments on the person’s size, skin color, or physical attractiveness.
When you’re making small talk, try to notice when the other person perks up. You’ll be able to hear it and see it. Their face will be more expressive (and so will their voice) and you’ll probably see movement in their body.
Take yourself less seriously. You don’t have to get people to know about the new sound system you bought or that cool place you went to for a vacation. Instead, you could tell stories about funny shortcomings. You don’t have to stop improving, just do it for yourself instead of others.
The water cooler isn’t the place for heated topics, like religion or politics. Instead, try engaging people by remarking on popular culture or sports. While people often have strong opinions about these subjects too, they’re a safer bet to keep it conversation-friendly. Being outgoing at work can be important. By being more outgoing, people will perceive you as more friendly and positive. [3] X Research source Networking and chatting at work can also help you get the recognition at work that you deserve.
For example, if you’ve been talking about your dogs together, ask about a good local dog park. If the other person responds positively, you could invite them to bring their dog to the park too: “Have you ever been to the dog park off Baxter Road? I haven’t. What would you think of going together next Saturday?” Making a specific invitation is more effective than “let’s get together sometime” because it shows that you’re not just being polite. Once you’ve finished the conversation, wrap up by restating a main point you discussed. This will help the other person feel like you were listening to them. For example: “Good luck with that marathon on Sunday! I’d love to hear all about it next week. ” End by affirming that you enjoyed the conversation. “It was really nice talking with you” or “It was so nice to meet you” help the other person feel valued.
Try to make small talk (or if that’s too much, just smiling) with one stranger or acquaintance every day, say “hi” to someone on the street, or ask your barista’s name. These little victories will keep you going and make you feel ready for loftier challenges.
Look for a club that encourages socializing, such as a book club or cooking class. You can ask questions and get into discussions, but the focus won’t be entirely on you. These situations can be great for shy people. Shared experiences can be a powerful bonding technique. Joining a club where you’ll share experiences with others gives you a head start – you’ll already have common ground established. [7] X Research source
Try creating events that will foster conversation. You could host a BYOB wine tasting, where everyone has to sip and compare notes. Or, you could hold a potluck dinner, where everyone has to bring their favorite dish of their grandmother’s (and a copy of the recipe). Having a reason to talk with each other helps a party stay lively and enjoyable (and, let’s be honest, food and wine never hurt).
Hobbies also give you something to chat about with new acquaintances. They often give you a way to meet new people. And they have health benefits, such as a lower risk of depression.
If you’re a little nervous about socializing, wear something that makes you feel powerful and attractive. This will help you to carry that confidence into your interactions. [10] X Research source Clothes can also be great conversation-starters. Wearing a fun tie or a statement bracelet can be a way for others to break the ice with you. You can also compliment something someone else is wearing as a way to get acquainted. Be careful not to let judgments slip into these compliments, such as “That dress makes you look so thin!” That type of comment focuses on social standards of beauty rather than the person you’re talking with. Instead, try something positive but nonjudgmental like “I love the design of that tie, it’s so intricate” or “I’ve been looking for a pair of shoes like that, where did you get them?”
Old friends are good practice. They can introduce you to new people or accompany you to places you would never go alone. Don’t ignore them! They’re probably going through similar things, too.
Introducing people to each other helps ease social awkwardness. Think about what you know about each person – what do they have in common? When you’re talking to Janice from the yarn shop, take a moment to call out, “Hey, Steve! This is Janice. We were just talking about that new band at the Factory last night. What’d you think?”
For example, making yourself “smaller” by crossing your legs, hunching, holding your arms, etc. , communicates that you are not comfortable in a situation. It can send a message that you don’t want to interact with others. On the other hand, you can express confidence and power by opening yourself up. You don’t have to take more room than you need or intrude on others’ space, but establish space for yourself. Plant your feet firmly when you stand or sit. Stand with your chest out and shoulders back. Avoid fidgeting, pointing, or shifting your weight. [13] X Research source Your body language also affects how you feel about yourself. People who use “low power” body language, such as making yourself smaller or closing yourself off by crossing your legs or arms, actually experience increased cortisol, a stress hormone related to feelings of insecurity. [14] X Research source
People who make eye contact while speaking are often considered more friendly, open, and believable. Extroverts and socially confident people look more often, and for longer, at people they are speaking or interacting with. Eye contact produces a feeling of connection between people, even when the eyes are in photographs or even sketched. [15] X Research source Aim to maintain eye contact with the other person for about 50% of the time while you’re speaking, and for about 70% of the time while you’re listening. Hold your gaze for between 4-5 seconds before you break it again. [16] X Trustworthy Source Michigan State University Extension Extension program of Michigan State University focused on community outreach, education, and engagement Go to source
Open body language includes uncrossed arms and legs, smiling, and looking up and around the room. [18] X Research source Once you’ve established contact with someone, communicate your interest in them. For example, leaning in and tilting your head when they talk are ways to show that you’re engaged in the conversation and interested in the other person’s ideas. Many of these body language cues work to communicate romantic attraction, but they communicate non-romantic interest too.
Avoid looking over the person’s head or at another area of the room for more than a few seconds. This indicates that you’re bored or not paying attention. Repeat central ideas, or use them as part of your response. For example, if you’re talking with someone new at a bar who’s been telling you about her fly-fishing hobby, mention that when you respond: “Wow, I’ve never been fly-fishing. The way you describe it makes it sound like it would be fun, though. ” This lets the other person know you really were listening, rather than mentally checking your shopping list or something else. Allow the other person to finish speaking before you respond. As you listen, don’t be planning your response to give as soon as they’re finished. Focus on the other person’s communication.
Duchenne smiles have been shown to lower stress and produce feelings of happiness in the people who are smiling. [22] X Trustworthy Source Association for Psychological Science Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences Go to source Try practicing a Duchenne smile. Imagine a situation in which you want to show a positive emotion, such as joy or love. Practice smiling to communicate that in front of a mirror. Check to see whether your eyes are crinkling at the corners – a hallmark of the “real” smile.
For example, when you start a new job, go on a first date, or start at a new school, you probably try harder at first because the situation is new to you. This increased attention and effort improves your performance. [24] X Research source Take this process slowly. Pushing yourself too far or too fast can actually damage your ability to perform because your anxiety will move past the “optimal” level to “freak-out mode. ” Try small steps outside your comfort zone at first. As you become more comfortable with the risks you take to achieve extroversion, you can take bigger ones. [25] X Research source
Consider how you approached the situation. What did you plan for? Is there anything you didn’t plan for? With the benefit of experience now, what do you think you could do differently next time? What did you do to support your chances of success? For example, if your goal was to “socialize more,” consider what actions you took. Did you go to a place where you knew a few people? Did you bring a buddy? Did you look for a place to hang out where you might find others who share interests with you? Did you expect to be a social butterfly immediately, or did you set your initial goals small and achievable? Scaffold for your success next time with the knowledge you have now. Focus on what you can control. Experiencing failure may make you feel powerless, as though you will never succeed no matter what. While some things are certainly beyond your control, some aren’t. Think about what you do have the power to change, and consider how you can work those things to your advantage next time. You might tie their self-worth directly to your ability to perform. Learn to focus on your effort rather than its outcomes (which you may not be able to control all of the time). Practice self-compassion when you stumble. These techniques can be used as a way to do better next time. [28] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
See if you can find evidence for these “scripts” when they run through your mind. For example, if your coworker walks by your desk and doesn’t say hello, your automatic response might be to think, “Wow, she’s really angry with me. I wonder what I did. I knew she didn’t want to be friends with me. ” Challenge that thought by looking for evidence to support it; chances are, you won’t find much. Ask yourself: Has that person told you when they were angry before? If so, they’d probably have told you this time too. Have you actually done something to that person that might upset them? Is it possible they’re just having a bad day? You may be naturally shy and this might cause you to overestimate how your mistakes appear to others. Keep in mind that as long as you are open, honest, and friendly, most people won’t reject you for an occasional stumble. Beating yourself up over your mistakes can mean your anxiety keeps you from learning and growing.
Think about why being shy bothers you. Maybe it’s just something that coming to terms with could solve. Or maybe you just want to be able to get more comfortable with talking with people around you. Being yourself as an introvert is much better than not being you and forcing extroversion. Think about when you find yourself in situations that rev up your shyness. How does your body respond? What are your inclinations? Figuring out how you operate is the first step to taking charge of your reactions.
Decide what challenges you. Realistic goals about being more outgoing might look different for you than for someone else. For example, making eye contact with one person each day might be a big victory for you. Choose goals that are realistic for you.
If you know some outgoing people, ask them questions. Were they always that way? Do they ever feel like they have to try to be outgoing? Do they have their own versions of social phobia? The answers will probably be no, yes, and yes. It’s just something they’ve decided to take control of.
Thinking of all the times we did what we’re currently afraid to do shows us that we are capable and makes us more confident.
