For example, if you want to be heard at work more, what does that look like to you? Does it look like you sharing more of your ideas? Making some requests you’ve been afraid to make? Something else? Setting clear, smaller goals for yourself can also help you break down a huge goal like “Be heard” into achievable steps.
Use “I”-statements. These will allow you to be clear and direct without sounding blaming. For example, if your boyfriend keeps forgetting your date nights, you could say: “I am hurt when you forget our date nights because I feel like I’m not a priority for you. ” Then you can invite the other person to share feelings: “Would you like to talk about it?” or “What happened?” Say no. It’s very hard for some people to say no, but it’s important to recognize that it isn’t “being polite” to agree to things you really don’t want to do simply for the sake of agreeing. [4] X Research source Try asking for some time before you make a decision. [5] X Research source You can also remind the other person of other obligations, as in “I would usually say yes to helping you, but I have had a rough week and need some time to recharge on my own. ” Remember, you’ve got an obligation to yourself, too![6] X Research source Be as clear as possible. Sometimes, you may not feel heard because you have not communicated clearly enough for the other person to understand. For example, if you want your children to come home for the holidays, an indirect route might be, “Wouldn’t be nice if we could all be together for Christmas?” Your children may not interpret this as a request. However, if you say something like, “It’s very important to me that we all be together for Christmas. I’d like you to make an effort to come,” you have communicated your needs clearly and sincerely without being demanding or arrogant. You can’t control what other people do with that information, but you’ve done your part. Apologize, if appropriate–but don’t over-apologize. Take responsibility when you slip up, and make plans to do better in the future. However, profuse or repeated apologies can make you seem insecure. Keep it straight, honest, and to the point.
Practice in front of the mirror. Watch how you look when you speak. Practice making eye contact with yourself as you talk. Having doubts about yourself is okay. But if these doubts are keeping you from speaking out when you have something important to say, then maybe you should give yourself a pep talk. For example, if you have acne, or pimples, try using face wash specific to your skin. Or if you feel bad about your body, try wearing figure flattering clothes. This may not seem like much, but if you feel more confident, you’ll probably act more confident. Record yourself practicing and examine it. How you say something can be even more influential than what you say.
Claim your space by taking as much as you need. Don’t tuck your feet under your chair, fold your hands in your lap, or cross your legs or ankles. Keep both feet planted firmly on the floor while sitting, and stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. You don’t have to fill more space than you need or take it from others (that would be aggression, not assertiveness), but showing that you are a confident presence in the room will inspire others to listen to you. [11] X Research source Keep your body open. Don’t cross your arms in front of you or cross your legs while standing or sitting. Don’t hold a bag in front of you, or keep your hands in your pockets. These things suggest that you are uncomfortable or not interested in the current situation. [12] X Research source Plant yourself where you are. You don’t have to be rigid, but don’t shift your weight from one leg to the other or sway back and forth. Stand comfortably with your shoulders back and your chest out. Make eye contact. Eye contact is crucial in communicating with others. Maintain eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time. Aim to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while you speak, and 70% of the time while you listen. [13] X Trustworthy Source Michigan State University Extension Extension program of Michigan State University focused on community outreach, education, and engagement Go to source
Try not to talk too fast or too slowly. If you speak too fast, people may not understand you, or they may perceive you as nervous. However, if you speak too slowly, people may become impatient or perceive you as lacking confidence in your ideas. Aim for an even, steady pace. [15] X Research source Cultural and social differences can also play a role. For example, someone from Texas, where it’s common to speak more slowly and take longer pauses while talking, might feel overwhelmed by the fast pace of a New Yorker’s conversation, while the New Yorker might see the slower Texas speed as uncomfortably silent. [16] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Women also tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve social rapport and relationship-building, while men tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve status and directness. When these rituals come into contact, people from different backgrounds may misunderstand the messages behind them. [17] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Consider very distinctive speakers, such as Martin Luther King, Jr. , Garrison Keillor, and Barack Obama. Although their linguistic styles are wildly different, they’re all highly effective. They vary the volume and speed of their voices to match their points. They pause to let important ideas sink in. Watching a few speeches or performances from excellent speakers on YouTube can help you transfer these skills to your own life.
Put away your cell phone, or iPod when you’re talking with someone. Don’t look around the room. Give the person your full attention. Ask for clarification when necessary. Occasionally, say things like, “Let’s see if I understood you correctly. I heard ____. Is that what you meant?” Saying things like this allows the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstanding without feeling attacked. Summarize. This means bringing together different strands of information from your conversation. For example, at the end of a meeting, you might wrap up by saying, “So, what it sounds like we need to do is _______ and _________. Does anyone else have anything to add?” Use encouragers. These can be “minimal encouragers,” such as nodding and words like “uh-huh,” or questions, such as “And then what happened?” Avoid prepping your response while the other person is talking. Listen carefully, and then offer your thoughts.
Consider how they speak: do they speak quickly, rapid-firing their ideas? Do they speak more slowly and with more consideration? If you speak rapidly to a slower-paced person they’re more likely to shut down no matter how good your ideas are. You want to set your speaking pace to your audience’s listening pace.
Find out what makes them tick and shape your idea to their perspective. If they maintain a blog, read it, if they write articles for a magazine relating to your field, check it out. You want insight into their ideas. Figure out what topics they’re interested in and what they value. To be heard effectively you have to gear your ideas towards what will interest your colleagues most. For example: if you find that your colleague is really interested saving the environment, then you might try to show how your idea will help with saving the environment. Take note of how one “takes the floor”. Know how to get your opinion, thought, or comment heard. Observe how communications flows, and how a person gets his or her voice heard. This may vary greatly from culture to culture, workplace to workplace, and person to person. Note behavior in meetings, office interactions, and such in workplaces. You might notice, for instance, that the boss will not respond well to subtle hints, but a direct approach works better. Take a look at individuals. Why does Cousin Sam get across to Grandmother? Or the intern from accounting gets attention, while you do not? Understand cultural differences. Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes not. The workplace culture in China may be quite different than Canada.
Use the assertive communication techniques elsewhere in this article to help you communicate your ideas with confidence. Being confident doesn’t mean you have to be pushy or arrogant. You can acknowledge others’ contributions and communicate that you appreciate others’ time is valuable without diminishing your own role. For example, try “Hey, I have what I think is a good idea for that project. Do you have two minutes?” This still acknowledges that the other person’s time is valuable without seeming to apologize for having an idea. [25] X Research source
A good way to be able to talk knowledgeably and be heard during a meeting or discussion is if you’re prepared some topics and opinions on the subject beforehand. This will give you a jumping off point for expressing your ideas, especially if you’re naturally more reticent.
People learn and absorb information in different ways. You may test out whether your colleagues or the people in a meeting are visual learners, kinetic learners, or auditory learners. Mixing up your styles of presenting information is also a good way to make sure that people are still following. For example: you might have a PowerPoint, a handout, and a small discussion on your idea.
Obviously, don’t jump in if no one has posed a question or asked for ideas. It will look a bit presumptuous. This can take a little while to perfect. Some people may interpret a brief pause as uncomfortable silence, while others need a moment to collect their thoughts. Experiment with how long a pause seems to work well, and then jump in. [29] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
For example, if people are discussing how best to maximize the work day, ask what it is that the boss is looking for, ask where the problem areas are, and so on. Prepare questions ahead of time, even if you don’t use them. This can help prepare you and help clarify your own thinking.
You can also use techniques to keep people’s attention, such as using compelling imagery, telling an illustrative anecdote, and calling back to other things that have happened. [32] X Research source Even if you’re speaking to a huge crowd, make eye contact while you’re speaking. Move your eyes naturally around the room, making eye contact with different people. at the end of sentences, keep your eyes up and focused on your audience. [33] X Trustworthy Source Michigan State University Extension Extension program of Michigan State University focused on community outreach, education, and engagement Go to source
You have to make the conscious effort to be heard, to speak up. If you don’t, then you’re simply not going to be heard. It might take a little while to get comfortable speaking up, but the more you do it, the better you will get. This is something that can be especially difficult for women, who are taught not to be “polite” and consider others’ needs, even at the expense of their own. [34] X Research source
You want to choose a private moment rather than make something a public event. So if there’s some sort of problem, having it out with your significant other in front of the entire family on Christmas Eve isn’t going to be conducive to communication. [35] X Research source Likewise, picking a time when you’re both grumpy or already upset (on a long drive, for example) is going to make the other person less likely to hear you.
This can also keep you on track during a conversation itself, because you’ll be better able to remember the things that you need to talk about. Ask yourself questions, such as “What is the solution I’d like to see here?” or “What are other ways I could feel heard?”
Their body language can communicate a lot to you. If they’re turned away from you, not making eye contact, or their arms are crossed across their chest, then they’re likely feeling defensive, or not wanting to listen to you. If they are being aggressive, or angry, then it’s going to be very difficult to get them to listen to what you’re saying. In that instance, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation as best as possible.
If you can sit next to the person you’re trying get to hear you. Make sure that you keep enough distance between you and them so it doesn’t feel like you’re crowding them, but close enough that there’s a connection between you two. Keep your tone of voice and your body language as neutral as possible. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest, or balling up your hands into fists. Keep your chest as open as possible. Maintain eye contact with the other person. This will help you to judge how they’re feeling, and whether they’re still listening to you, and it will help keep a connection between the two of you.
As an example you could say something like “I have a problem, and I’m wondering if you can help me with it” and segue into explaining that you need help taking care of the kids. A second example might be something like “I’m confused, I’d really like it if you could try to help me understand” and then go on to explain that you feel that there’s a distance between the two of you and you’d really like to work on bridging that distance.
Vulnerability, while much harder (and scarier) to express, is more likely to be heard. This means, though, that you’re going to have to share your hurt in a more thoughtful manner. This is why “I” statements are so incredibly important. You’re explaining why you’re hurt or why you’re upset. For example: “I was hurt when you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, because it felt like my important recital wasn’t as important as getting home and putting your feet up” is so much better and more open than “You always forget to do things. I guess you just don’t care about this important recital!”
Hear what the other person has to say. If you’re not willing to listen when your significant other explains their side — “I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, because I’ve been so stressed about our child’s failing grades in school” — then you’re not going to get anywhere. [42] X Research source When the other person is talking, cultivate active listening. If you space out or get absorbed in your own thoughts, ask them to repeat what they just said. Look them in the eye when they talk and pay attention to what they’re saying, rather than focusing on what you’re going to say next.
After all, people tend to be more open to listening to you when you’re humorous about the situation than when you’re emotionally charged.
If someone cannot or will not hear what you have to say on an ongoing basis, you may need to reconsider whether it’s worth having a relationship with them.
Sometimes what people need is a friendly ear. Being the person who listens to other people can also be really important. Cultivate the attitude of saying things only when you feel they’re important to say. People will be more likely to listen to you if they know that you talk about interesting subjects.
For example: someone taking a long red-eye flight is probably going to be less receptive to your conversation than someone you’re standing in a long line to a concert you both enjoy. Likewise, that person who is wearing their headphones and staring out the bus window? Yeah, they’re probably not looking to hear about all your new business selling used Ferrari automobiles. Even receptive people can “zone out” after too long. If you’ve been talking for more than 40 seconds without a break, it’s probably time to wrap up and give the other person a chance to speak. [45] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
A lot of people are happy to commiserate or listen if they know that’s all you need from them. If they think they need to offer solutions, they may be a little shorter with you and possibly less likely to listen. [46] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Similarly, it’s a good idea to check in with friends to see whether they want someone to problem-solve with them or just a sympathetic ear to vent to.
