When you identify your needs and feelings, you can develop expectations for how you want to be treated in the future.
For example, if your brother often asks you for money, and you’re not sure how to handle it, have an exact number in mind for how much you’re willing to give. If you’re not willing to give any more money, know that before you talk to him again and be ready to assert your boundaries.
For example, perhaps you want a raise at work, but you haven’t found a good way to speak up about it yet. The best outcome would be having the opportunity to make yourself heard and have your request for a raise accepted.
Don’t sugarcoat your position to make it seem more palatable. For example, if you want your aunt to stop dropping by unannounced, say something like “Aunt Ida, please start calling before you come over. That will give me time to prepare for your visit. " Don’t say, “Aunt Ida, would it be OK with you if you call me sometimes before you come over? But only if it’s convenient for you, I don’t really mind either way. "
Maintain eye contact. (If you are neurodivergent and find eye contact difficult, look directly at the person’s face instead. ) Stand or sit with good posture. Speak with an appropriate tone and volume of voice. Keep your body relaxed and calm.
For example, you might try to return a damaged item to a store to get a refund. If the clerk tries to offer you other alternatives (fixing the item or telling you it’s not damaged), keep repeating that you’d like a refund. This technique is assertive rather than rude as it lets you make your point by stating clearly what you want in a non-offensive way. Body language and tone are important here. You don’t want to yell or treat the other person badly. Your simple statement is power enough.
For example, if someone says, “Your haircut looks stupid,” you can respond with, “You might be right. ” They might continue: “Didn’t you hear me? You look like a loser. ” Respond by saying, “You might be right, but it will grow back. ” This technique is assertive rather than rude. Because you agree with the antagonizer, you take the wind out of their argument and keep the conversation from escalating. It’s difficult for the other person to argue with you when you might agree with them. Additionally, saying “you ‘might’ be right” doesn’t confirm that the bully is right, only that they might be. Everyone has a right to their own opinion.
Using an I statement is an assertive technique rather than a rude one because you are taking responsibility for your feelings. You are not blaming the other person. “I” statements are a good way to open up communication so that the problem can be solved. Sample I statements are: “I feel angry when you use sarcasm,” “I feel insulted when you put your desires ahead of mine,” or “I feel hurt when you talk to me like that. ”
“I can hear you yelling and swearing into your headset. I have a video call with my boss in fifteen minutes and I need a quiet environment. Would you quiet down or play a less stressful video game, please?” “Your alarm woke me up at 5 am and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I need sleep to function and I’m having a difficult morning because of this. Can you please turn down the volume or work with me to find a solution that lets me sleep?” “Yesterday, when you saw the mess in my room, you rolled your eyes and called me lazy. While I understand your frustration, I feel hurt when you call me names. In the future, can you please make requests of me without the name-calling?”
“I know you want to look out for our daughter and help her have a good future. I’m concerned that she might be feeling too much academic pressure. I don’t want her to risk burnout or poor mental health from overwork. Can you help me encourage her to seek a balance?” “I know you care so much about the quality of your work. Your dedication is incredible. I’m letting you know about this issue because I know you can rise above it. " “That is an interesting article. I know you’re trying to figure out the best way to protect our family’s health and that it’s hard to wade through all the rumors and misinformation online. But I noticed that the writer is being sued for allegedly poisoning people with their alternative medicine, so I’m not comfortable buying their product for our kids. "
That said, avoid being too smiley or giggling after you say your piece. You can be polite without undermining yourself. Only lighten the mood in this way if it’s appropriate for what you’re talking about.
Rudeness also can include yelling, offensive language, threats, breaches of personal space, and intimidating gestures like blocking someone’s exit or shoving them. For example: Raj and Josh are waiting in line for concert tickets when a group of guys cuts in front of them. “Hey, we’ve been here all night. You can’t cut in front of us,” says Raj. “Look, you little freak, I’m not moving so shut it,” yells one of the bullies as he puts his face in Raj’s face and jabs his finger into Raj’s chest for emphasis as he talks. The raised voice, insult, and intimidating body language are examples of disrespectful and abusive behavior.
Assertive people critique the thoughts/behavior, not the individual. “It was very hurtful of you to make those racial comments to Mika” is different from “You’re a racist pig. "
One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think you could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person responds with, “I have to finish getting the food ready. Why don’t you get off your lazy duff and get your own clean shirt?” Both people are communicating aggressively. Each is aiming to get what they need without regard for the other person.
One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think you could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person responds with, “Fine. I guess the food will just be late. Don’t blame me if everyone complains. ” The first person is still being aggressive and the second person responds passively. One gets what he wants while the other doesn’t stand up for her needs.
One person might say, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think you could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person can respond assertively with: “The clean shirts are hanging in the closet. I need to finish getting the food ready. ” Although the first person’s request is still aggressive and sarcastic, the second person is able to respond assertively. She could further assert her rights and feelings by telling the first person that she doesn’t like the sarcasm and that she would appreciate it if he would see that they are both busy getting ready for the party.
One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do I have any clean shirts?” The other person responds with, “Yes, there are several in the closet. I need about five more minutes with the food. ” Both people address their needs while respecting those of the other.
