Be patient with this process as you are literally changing the way that you think. It will take time.
For example, instead of thinking, “We will always be broke because he doesn’t make enough,” you might look for ways to add a bit of income yourself.
Does your husband smile all the time? Would other people consider him to be a nice person? Does he support you and show an interest in your passions? Comparing your husband to someone else doesn’t actually provide any constructive feedback about what your concern is. Instead, it just puts him down and makes him feel like he’s not good enough. [5] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022. The idea of not being good enough is a big destructive factor in relationships, and it’s not going to get you closer. [6] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
Be willing to laugh at yourself. And, when the situation warrants it, laugh at your husband as well. Humor is a great way to break the ice if you need to talk about something more serious too. [7] X Research source
Think about moments or actions when your husband showed off the best parts of his personality. Reflect on why you appreciated him in that moment. For example, if you admire the fact that he volunteers at the local food bank, take a moment and appreciate the caring traits behind his volunteering.
Watch for words that signal exaggerations such as “always” or “never. ”[10] X Research source
If you are worried about the past repeating itself, decide what your personal boundaries will be for the future. For example, if you resent the fact that you’ve never taken a vacation with your husband, now may be the time to plan a trip.
The jar is a more active version of making a list. It’ll push you to recognize all of your husband’s small and large positive actions. Express appreciation for daily things. For example, “I appreciate the fact that Michael takes out the trash every day. ”[11] X Research source Alternatively, write down all of your negative thoughts on pieces of paper and toss them away to let go of negativity and embrace a positive future. [12] X Research source
For example, your wedding photos might remind you of how happy you were before the ceremony. Acknowledging the past can help you look forward to the future.
Reserving the time and making it a priority is just as important as the date itself. Don’t worry too much about the details of what you’ll do. When you’re out, focus on what you’re enjoying about your husband and the date.
Find an activity that you’ve never tried that interests you both. If you both start off as beginners, you don’t fall into a teacher/student situation and can work together as equals. [16] X Research source
Put away your electronic devices and silence your cell phones to give each other your full attention.
Major life changes (change of job, moving, pregnancy, death of a loved one) Workplace stress (an overly demanding job, upcoming deadlines, a difficult boss or coworkers, a toxic work environment) Social stress (issues with friends or not having social support) Fears, insecurities, or feelings of uncertainty or lack of control Lack of balance (having too much on your plate, doing a disproportionate amount of the housework)
Meditation Yoga Spending time with your friends/support network Writing in a journal Taking a bath
For instance, you might have too much on your plate trying to work, pick up your kids, clean the house, and cook. Try saying to your husband, “I have a lot going on right now and I could really use your help. Can you make dinner and clean up the kitchen tonight?” Being assertive doesn’t mean being mean or aggressive. It means recognizing what you need and want and asking for it, while respecting the other person. Be willing to compromise and calmly discuss how to better share responsibilities.
Consider if your environment is stressing you out. If the news is making you anxious and stressed, turn it off. Try to avoid people who stress you out. If it’s someone you can’t completely avoid, minimize your interactions as much as possible. For instance, if you have an annoying coworker who stops by your desk, you can say, “I’m in the middle of a project, I can’t talk right now. "
Write down a list of qualities that you require from your partner. Check off the number of those traits you possess. For example, if you listed “funny” but you haven’t been laughing lately, you may need to work to rediscover your own sense of humor.
In addition to the small things, make sure that you talk about important matters such as finances. Being the sole financial planner in a relationship can foster resentment. To start a conversation, you might say, “Tonight after dinner let’s talk about what our bills look like for the next month. ”[23] X Research source If you feel yourself about to say something negative and potentially harmful, count to five in your head. This will usually give you time to cool down.
You might say, “I’m not sure what you mean. Explain it a bit more. ” Ask how he feels and what he thinks about various scenarios. Tell him how you feel/what you think.
Try to be specific about the issues if you can. Instead of just saying, “We don’t get along,” you might explain, “We don’t go out and do things together like we used to. ” Your friend might suggest more outings as a possible solution.
Counseling is particularly helpful if you and your husband experienced a traumatic event. A counselor can help you move forward from the blaming process. During couples’ therapy, your therapist might suggest that you schedule a session with an individual therapist, too. [27] X Expert Source Omar Ruiz, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 22 April 2022.
