You might say something like, “I think we need to talk. Can we take an hour tonight to discuss something important?” If there are safety concerns, have this conversation in a public place or consider doing it over email.
Tell your spouse upfront that you want to talk about your marriage. You might say, “We need to talk about the state of our marriage. ” Express your emotions honestly without blaming or insulting your spouse. For example, instead of saying, “I’m so sick of you disrespecting me,” say something like, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” or “I’m starting to feel resentful about our marriage. " This conversation should build on previous ones you’ve had about your relationship rather than being the first time talking about it.
You might say, “I don’t think our marriage is working out. I think it is best if we get a divorce. ” If you’re unsure about the decision to divorce, consider asking for a trial separation instead. You might say, “I think that I need some time and space to think about our marriage. I don’t want to get divorced, but I think we should separate for now. ”
Be prepared for a wide range of reactions. Perhaps your spouse has been anticipating this or maybe they’ve been taken by surprise. No matter what happens, try to remain calm. Repeat back what your spouse says to indicate that you’re listening to them. For example, you might say, “I understand that you’re frustrated with how things have been for a while. " When they’ve finished talking, repeat your desire to get a divorce. For example, you might say, “I know that this is a big decision, but I’m certain it is the right one. "
Try not to make any promises to your spouse about property, assets, or custody at this time. You might say, “I think we should hold off on talking about that for now. ” Take some time to process your emotions before coming back together to discuss what will happen next.
Write out exactly why you want the divorce, and use this to help you express these thoughts to your spouse. For example, you might write, “I feel as though my needs are not being met by the marriage” or “I think that there are certain issues that we can’t resolve. " Make a list of reasons why the divorce would be good for you. For example, you might say, “We won’t have to argue over little things anymore” or “We can pursue our career goals more freely. " Don’t assume what would be good for your significant other.
If you feel yourself becoming angry, defensive, or frustrated, stop and take a deep breath. Count to 10 if you need to. When you are ready, respond to your spouse in a calm, even tone. Try squeezing a small stress ball during the conversation when things get tense. If your spouse becomes angry or if you are afraid that they will become violent, remove yourself from the situation. You might tell them something like, “We can continue this conversation at another time. ”
For example, don’t say, “You cheated!” or “All you do is work. " Instead, simply say, “I feel like we have grown apart. It’s not working for me anymore. "
Say, “I’ve made my decision. I don’t want to argue with you. Perhaps we can talk more later. ”
If you’re feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or anxious about the divorce, consider seeing a mental health professional to discuss your feelings. They can help you come to terms with your divorce.
Marriage counseling requires both parties to be willing to work on the relationship. It is not a place to vent or complain about your partner. It can be effective, however, if you both work with the counselor to save the marriage. If your spouse suggests marriage counseling and you don’t want to do it, you might say, “I don’t think that can save our marriage now. ”
Determine if you want full or partial custody of your children or pets if you have them. Decide whether you want alimony or to keep your retirement accounts intact. Explain calmly to your spouse why you want to keep certain things. For example, you might say, “I need my car to get to and from work. I think it only fair that I keep it” or “My mother’s paintings hold a lot of sentimental value for me. ” Pick your battles. You won’t be able to keep everything you love from the marriage. Prioritize what is most important to you, and be willing to compromise on things that don’t hold as much value to you.
You may need to decide who the children will live with. If you can’t agree on this, a judge may have to decide for you. Allow older children to have some say in who they live with. Try not to be hurt or offended if the child decides they want to live with their other parent. Agree on when to tell your children about the divorce. For example, you might say, “I think we should wait until the end of the school year” or “Maybe we should talk to a lawyer first before telling the kids. ”
You may need to decide who the children will live with. If you can’t agree on this, a judge may have to decide for you. Allow older children to have some say in who they live with. Try not to be hurt or offended if the child decides they want to live with their other parent. Agree on when to tell your children about the divorce. For example, you might say, “I think we should wait until the end of the school year” or “Maybe we should talk to a lawyer first before telling the kids. ”
You might say to your spouse, “Since we seem to agree on most issues, perhaps we don’t need a lawyer. How about we just see a mediator instead?” Mediation can be less tense than battling it out in the courtroom. However, mediation may only be beneficial for those who are relatively savvy about their finances and who can come to agreement with their spouse.
Bring important paperwork, such as a prenuptial agreement or records of your assets to the meeting. You may not know exactly what to do or what you want from the divorce, and that’s okay. This meeting is simply important to get the ball rolling and find out what options are available to you. In situations where your spouse was abusive or manipulative, a lawyer can deliver and serve documents to them so that you do not have to confront them yourself.
