An authentic apology should be direct and heartfelt. For example: “I realize now that what I did was wrong and I regret it. I apologize for my actions and hope you can find a way to forgive me. ” Keep in mind that body language can vary based on a person’s background and disability. For example, someone with social anxiety might avoid eye contact while being sincere. However, apathy speaks all languages, so a person who is ho-hum about saying sorry will be evident. [3] X Research source Beware the “fauxpology” or non-apology. This can include such phrases as: “I am sorry you were offended by that”; “I’m sorry you feel that way”; “I didn’t intend that”; “Mistakes were made but we can move on now”, etc. [4] X Research source These types of “apology” are a form of distancing the person who is apologizing from the act that caused harm and shows an unwillingness to take responsibility.
For example, a passive aggressive apology might be: “Well, I asked you to go to the party with me, but you refused. I went alone and lied to you about it. If you’d said yes in the first place, I wouldn’t have had to lie. Sorry. ” In the above example, this person may not be giving you an authentic apology and may just be leaning on a bad habit of using an insincere apology to get out of a sticky situation.
Is your gut telling you the person is being honest and sincere? Did they ask for forgiveness and promise to not repeat the behavior? These are two key elements that are essential to a sincere apology. (The other key element discussed above is acceptance of responsibility and not blame-shifting. ) Do you have any feelings of doubt or confusion around the person? If the apology creates in you a sense of “fear, obligation, guilt” (FOG for short or emotional blackmail), then it isn’t an apology but rather a manipulation tactic designed to keep you under their control and to stop you from questioning their actions. [7] X Research source Does the apology to you sound sincere?
If the person apologizing is a close friend or family member who already has a history of bad behavior, ask yourself if they’re using apologies to try to avoid facing consequences. Prior bad behavior with promises to change that didn’t eventuate can reveal a tendency to use apologizing as a crutch to evade taking responsibility for their actions. If a family member or partner is apologizing to you for something out of character and rare, you may be more amenable to accepting their apology. Is this person an habitual apologizer? In this case, it can be difficult to know when an apology is genuine because of their habit of excessively saying sorry can immunize you against their genuine apologies. [9] X Research source To move beyond their “I’m sorry,” check they’ve taken responsibility, shown regret, asked for forgiveness and have promised to not do it again.
This may be a better approach than accepting an apology you do not believe is sincere and remaining resentful or upset, despite appearing to be okay with the situation. It also allows you to express clearly what it is exactly that has hurt you and to identify the harm they’ve caused that you’d like them to address.
Listen sincerely. It is both right and normal to expect a sincere apology but there is also a responsibility to genuinely listen to the apology. This means not interrupting, not criticizing and not starting an argument during or about the apology. Avoid brushing off the person’s apology by saying “It’s fine” or “It’s nothing”. This can hurt their feelings by making their apology seem unimportant and leave the situation unresolved. It can also give them a sense you are feeling hostile toward them, which can fester and prevent true resolution of the matter. If you need time to digest things still, make that clear, such as saying: “Thanks, I appreciate your apology. I am hurting still and just need time before I can feel that it’s okay to trust this won’t happen again. “[12] X Research source Be willing to show gratitude to the person for getting up the courage to apologize and admit their mistake.
Be clear and direct about how you felt when the person behaved badly, but don’t use a passive aggressive tone and avoid criticizing them. Be as sincere and honest as they were when they apologized.
Phrases like “it’s okay” or “let’s forget it” won’t make it clear if you accepted the apology. It may also come across as flippant, belittling and disrespectful, especially if the person was serious about their apology. Try to remember that it takes a lot of courage for anyone to admit they’re wrong about something and treat their attempt as genuine until proven otherwise.
For example, you could type out, “Thanks for your apology, I needed to hear that. I was really hurt the other day when you were ignoring me in class, but I understand what you were going through and how bad your day was. ” You can also request to talk to the person face to face or via video chat instead of texting about it.
Things might not feel normal right away, and you might still need some time after the person has apologized. Expect a little bit of a rough patch following the apology. You can even address the awkwardness (if there is any) by saying something like, “Well, that’s over now. Should we get back to business as usual?” Or, “Okay, let’s stop being so serious now. ”
Forgiveness doesn’t happen immediately, and it may never happen at all. Be open to forgiveness, but don’t expect it overnight.
Plan an activity where you both have to work together, like playing a sport, going on a day hike, doing a community class together, etc. This could show that you’re willing to rebuild trust and renew friendship. Suggest doing something that you both enjoyed in the past as a way to show you’re willing to move past any negativity and focus on the positive times instead.
For example, if the person is starting to show up late for your dates again, mention it, as they may not be aware of it. Remind them that you find it hurtful when they do this. This may help encourage them to work harder.
You can say something like, “I accepted your apology the other day, but I’m just not sure I can move on from what you did. I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to have to split. ” Or, “Your friendship means a lot to me, but I’m still thinking about what happened last month. I don’t think I’ll be able to move on, and I need to take some time for myself. ”
The best apology is done with actions, not words. If someone continues to do something that they know will hurt you, they aren’t actually sorry about it.
Usually, this will be enough to snap them out of it and it might make you both feel better.
